Bitter feelings

I realized today that i am not happy. At times i can feel just pure hate oozing from my pores. Today was one of those days. I snap at people, inanimate objects, everything. Maybe i just need a vacation from my brain. Its been riding kind of hard as of late. C'mon sweet sassy molassy!

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Against the wall

I didn't realize it had been a month as I was positive I wrote an entry a few weeks ago on my phone. Okay, granted, it was probably like 3am and it didn't make a lot of sense but it still should have posted. Things are swimming along here. Page 18 of #homeopathicdetectiveagency is in the can. I'm also day 2 into taking a facebook vacation. I do need more time in general and that wasn't really helping. I got along fine without it...and I will again. Plus, I need to divert my attention to drawing, studying, and grappling. I still suck. I think the problem is staying aggressive. I tend to lay back too much. That will have to change. If I work more judo (and smarts) into my takedown game, I should have a much better shot. I do have to say, the ATT guys are great. Having the founder, Master Liborio come in last week was simply amazing. That guy is world class and can probably break more bones in my body than I can safely identify. That being said, he was one of the most laid back people I have ever met.

Beginning of the end

Someone told me a few weeks ago that may was the most depressing month of the year. Then i redid my budget and see why. Well no, that just added to everything i am feeling and doing. Right now is rather depressing and frustrating to me. Im more on my feet than i was a year ago but still not totally situated (or recovered) in a good space. Physically or mentally. Much less financially.

I am trying not to let it get to me that much but its not easy. I just feel the need to shed a lot of bs in my life. Ive shed a lot of mental baggage but physical baggage tends to drag you down. Particularly if you see it all the time. If it was anymore inaction, it would have its own urban dictionary definition.

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New format, same problems.

Actually it hasn't been all that bad. I've just been under a really dark cloud for a few months. I attribute this to the funerals I've been too but I don't think that's it anymore. I feel like I'm just tired to hitting my head on the glass ceiling. It's just...really difficult for me to want or even try to do that anymore.
The first thought, is why the hell would you do that in the first place?! Maybe being broke for so long has gotten to me but fuck that. No reason to put up with the sheer amount of BS I have to for no good reasons. Also saw on facebook a guy I threatened several years ago. He's apparently a friend of a friend. It was over my ex-wife. The reasons I don't think I'll ever know and after talking to her more I can say that I still love her but don't know if it's been enough time for all those wounds to heal. There were a lot of them. And in case you were wondering, the offer still stands.

Another month, another wake.

The streak is still going strong. This past March my Uncle Eugene (Hong) passed away. Not more than 2 weeks ago. It was a rough one. As the service was in my old church-I haven't been there in a long time. It feels like at least 2 years or so but it's probably longer than that. It should be noted that I don't have a problem with God. Far from it. We get along great-except for that whole mega millions numbers thing. Haha. It was the pastor at the old time strong-arming senior citizens to vote. It was redorkulous, Balky. That's why I stopped going. Whoever that guy was/is is not the pastor anymore. Still weird seeing some of those people. They all got old and short. 

This past week, an old friend of my dad, James Leong passed away. (and when I mean old friend, like old village in China kind of old friend) He wasn't doing well (on life support). I didn't know him that well and always found it super weird that he sounded different in person than on the phone. For a bit of history, he was one of, if not the first Chop Suey restaurant in the St. Louis metro area. Mid 1970's or so, in case you are keeping track. I doubt he invented the St. Paul but I didn't get to ask him. I think it would have been cool to know at the very least. In any case, I'm probably going to have one for him. I think they both deserved better than what they got. Or at least the way they went out. 

I seem to be saying that a lot. Rest easy you old goats. 

Hard to describe.

I think because it's spring. I just feel like I gotta move. Not in a dancing kind of way. I know I'm no good at that. My gut is just telling me that the way to get out of this funk is to get some miles between here and me.

Early March.

Lots of things going on. And one of the few weekends in the past few months that I actually get to relax. Or at least stay home for once. The new job is coming along pretty well. There are some kinks to be worked out to say the least but it's nothing impossible.
Comics are moving forward and yes, I will miss my aunt a lot. She was my favorite aunt as a child and I'm sure the 2nd adult to actually give me ice cream for breakfast. (The first being my grandmother) I wised up that time and got chocolate chip.
However, organization is never-ending and complex. No rest for the wicked, I guess. I'm just worse than most.