Very tired

and it's not just because I've been sick the past few weeks. This whole year (at least to me) has been disappointing to the maximum. I've also been to a lot of funerals. (8) Which, is a really high number when you think about it. It's just rather depressing. I have issues with that anyway so it doesn't make it any easier. 
I did just wrap up the homeopathic detective agency for the year so please check that out. My leg is feeling a bit better but I will still probably rest until 2013 for getting (back) into grappling. 
Ho-hum. What else is there to say without sounding too out of it. I've also made the decision to leave town. Not just on a vacation but on a more permanent basis. I haven't been really happy here for a few years but divorce and unemployment kind of slowed down those plans. And as the saying goes, "the only one looking out for you...is you." and that's what's best for you.
It is difficult, as I've had to stop my chinese lessons and that sort of thing. The truth is, my brain was complete shit. I couldn't focus on it. My tutor is a nice person and all but my confusion of friend vs. teacher kept getting in the way and I my learning/absorbing knowledge was suffering from it. Then again, with a clean slate, anything is possible. Which I am going to find in 2013.

Phil-tober 2012

Kind of funny. Around this time last year, I had just been hired by Fazil over at Sign-a-rama and was pretty down on everything. So, it's kind of good I can write down some of my thoughts. There have been some hits and misses this year.
The main thing to me is trying to re-prioritize things. Lately, I think my thought process has been a bit too jumbled. For me to find peace, I have to move. That's not a slight against my brother but after getting laid off, divorced, and broke, you really are used to having your own piece of ground underneath your feet, you know? And for the past few years I've had to be more reactive than proactive about that. At first I kept thinking that a new job is what I wanted and that is important but I really just want my own space. I think that comes with a new job but feeling a bit trapped is not going to help be happy and upbeat.
Not to mention, it's an election year.

One thing that hasn't worked out is taking chinese lessons again. Man, take stuff as a kid when you can take the time to study. I never thought I would appreciate those few hours when I didn't have to be anywhere else! haha. It's much more difficult as an adult with regular work and things like that. I just couldn't get my brain zoned in. I'm not sure if it was regularity or familiarity. I think it was goals. I already knew my tutor and without a direct lesson plan, it was difficult for me to kind of "get it." Now, I was doing okay but no where what I wanted/needed to be. I'm just taking a break until I can get my own space and can take a few hours a week-something I can't do currently.

Early September.

Yay. Happy late first birthday to me. Apparently, I've been blogging for a little over a year now. Ho-hum, so things that are going on:
Did first web comic panels in color earlier today. So, please be sure to check those out. I was trying to avoid color as I really do like the black & white look but it's a lot different in a book vs. a computer screen. I also rejoined facebook. I'm now managing the workplace twitter and facebook pages. Lord only knows why they want me to do that.
Also debating whether to sign up for NAGA in October. It's a grappling tournament. I realize I'll probably lose badly. I think this is where my lack of concentration and focus hurt me. It seems like I'm not making those adjustments I need too. I blame being hurt. I lost nearly a month of coordination and muscle memory. I still might though. Apparently, I've lost 8lbs since I joined ATT Evolution. So, not all bad. However, I would need to lose maybe 15lbs more (7kg-ish) to reach my optimal weight class.
I may drop my chinese/HSK tutor as well. Lately, I just don't feel like I'm picking it up like I used too. Not sure if it's motivation or the other person in class. Granted, I did miss at least a year of practice so I do feel behind. I've been going at it for 3 months or so and I think I need to just recharge my brain on it. Possibly, take up more Chinese TV or something.

Scream

In the vast emptiness of the internet, no one really cares.

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The nameless vacation

I had not realized it was so long since well...everything. I guess I took a few months off. Not that I'm better now but I just kind of lost my brain for a bit there. Apparently all summer. I'm back on FB and doing more work-related stuff on that, so please like them/us.
My knee is still crap and I'm guessing it's healing. Just rather frustrating and a waste of time, like most things I've been doing as of late. Video game people are getting on kickstarter for some help, so zombiecastlecrusade.com to your hearts' content.
I've even tried a bit of self-medication but st. john's wart just messes with my stomach. I did try a few supplements but couldn't seem to find one that really helped. I guess moving will/would?

Phone app-athy

Yes, more first world complaining. Haha. Not really. Just letting you know that ive been changing some apps on my phone to get and stay more up to date. All this social media!

Been feeling real lost this week. Like mentally slow. Very weird. It could be being hurt. Going to the gym really gets me going. And a fightin' gym is even better. I guess technically its a dojo?

Leg is healing. Knee popping. Outside of right. No doctor...yet. hoping for rest and nature to work first.

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Phone app-athy

Yes, more first world complaining. Haha. Not really. Just letting you know that ive been changing some apps on my phone to get and stay more up to date. All this social media!

Been feeling real lost this week. Like mentally slow. Very weird. It could be being hurt. Going to the gym really gets me going. And a fightin' gym is even better. I guess technically its a dojo?

Leg is healing. Knee popping. Outside of right. No doctor...yet. hoping for rest and nature to work first.

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Bitter feelings

I realized today that i am not happy. At times i can feel just pure hate oozing from my pores. Today was one of those days. I snap at people, inanimate objects, everything. Maybe i just need a vacation from my brain. Its been riding kind of hard as of late. C'mon sweet sassy molassy!

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Against the wall

I didn't realize it had been a month as I was positive I wrote an entry a few weeks ago on my phone. Okay, granted, it was probably like 3am and it didn't make a lot of sense but it still should have posted. Things are swimming along here. Page 18 of #homeopathicdetectiveagency is in the can. I'm also day 2 into taking a facebook vacation. I do need more time in general and that wasn't really helping. I got along fine without it...and I will again. Plus, I need to divert my attention to drawing, studying, and grappling. I still suck. I think the problem is staying aggressive. I tend to lay back too much. That will have to change. If I work more judo (and smarts) into my takedown game, I should have a much better shot. I do have to say, the ATT guys are great. Having the founder, Master Liborio come in last week was simply amazing. That guy is world class and can probably break more bones in my body than I can safely identify. That being said, he was one of the most laid back people I have ever met.

Beginning of the end

Someone told me a few weeks ago that may was the most depressing month of the year. Then i redid my budget and see why. Well no, that just added to everything i am feeling and doing. Right now is rather depressing and frustrating to me. Im more on my feet than i was a year ago but still not totally situated (or recovered) in a good space. Physically or mentally. Much less financially.

I am trying not to let it get to me that much but its not easy. I just feel the need to shed a lot of bs in my life. Ive shed a lot of mental baggage but physical baggage tends to drag you down. Particularly if you see it all the time. If it was anymore inaction, it would have its own urban dictionary definition.

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New format, same problems.

Actually it hasn't been all that bad. I've just been under a really dark cloud for a few months. I attribute this to the funerals I've been too but I don't think that's it anymore. I feel like I'm just tired to hitting my head on the glass ceiling. It's just...really difficult for me to want or even try to do that anymore.
The first thought, is why the hell would you do that in the first place?! Maybe being broke for so long has gotten to me but fuck that. No reason to put up with the sheer amount of BS I have to for no good reasons. Also saw on facebook a guy I threatened several years ago. He's apparently a friend of a friend. It was over my ex-wife. The reasons I don't think I'll ever know and after talking to her more I can say that I still love her but don't know if it's been enough time for all those wounds to heal. There were a lot of them. And in case you were wondering, the offer still stands.

Another month, another wake.

The streak is still going strong. This past March my Uncle Eugene (Hong) passed away. Not more than 2 weeks ago. It was a rough one. As the service was in my old church-I haven't been there in a long time. It feels like at least 2 years or so but it's probably longer than that. It should be noted that I don't have a problem with God. Far from it. We get along great-except for that whole mega millions numbers thing. Haha. It was the pastor at the old time strong-arming senior citizens to vote. It was redorkulous, Balky. That's why I stopped going. Whoever that guy was/is is not the pastor anymore. Still weird seeing some of those people. They all got old and short. 

This past week, an old friend of my dad, James Leong passed away. (and when I mean old friend, like old village in China kind of old friend) He wasn't doing well (on life support). I didn't know him that well and always found it super weird that he sounded different in person than on the phone. For a bit of history, he was one of, if not the first Chop Suey restaurant in the St. Louis metro area. Mid 1970's or so, in case you are keeping track. I doubt he invented the St. Paul but I didn't get to ask him. I think it would have been cool to know at the very least. In any case, I'm probably going to have one for him. I think they both deserved better than what they got. Or at least the way they went out. 

I seem to be saying that a lot. Rest easy you old goats. 

Hard to describe.

I think because it's spring. I just feel like I gotta move. Not in a dancing kind of way. I know I'm no good at that. My gut is just telling me that the way to get out of this funk is to get some miles between here and me.

Early March.

Lots of things going on. And one of the few weekends in the past few months that I actually get to relax. Or at least stay home for once. The new job is coming along pretty well. There are some kinks to be worked out to say the least but it's nothing impossible.
Comics are moving forward and yes, I will miss my aunt a lot. She was my favorite aunt as a child and I'm sure the 2nd adult to actually give me ice cream for breakfast. (The first being my grandmother) I wised up that time and got chocolate chip.
However, organization is never-ending and complex. No rest for the wicked, I guess. I'm just worse than most.

Good byes and good byes.

RIP Aunt Ginger. She passed around 5am this morning. Kind of ironic because her birthday was the 23rd. I also thought she visited me around 6 as I woke up for no reason. I'm glad she didn't suffer too long as being hooked up to machines and being paralyzed is no way to live. Her heart was always in the right place and I know she will be missed.

Nearly March.

It's only been a 2 weeks or so since I last wrote one of these but it feels so much longer. To make a long story short, I'm pretty emotionally beat. My aunt suffered another stroke last week and I went to see her. Now, they don't tell you exactly how difficult that is. Well, let me tell you that it is. When I saw her after her first stroke (which should have been a sign), she was okay. It is always hard to see someone you actually care about suffering. In movies, television, even friends it's not the same. She could at least still talk and had a lot of spunk left for someone in a hospital gown.
So, after this second one, ugh. It's not like you don't want to be there but you have to be strong for them. This time around, my aunt is completely paralyzed on her right side and partially so on her left. She can't talk and/or swallow and has plaque on her brain stem. I'm not even sure what the fuck that is. However, I don't think it should be there inside of my aunt. The decision has been made to take her into hospice care. Now that she can't really communicate, it's not fair to keep her going as a vegetable. The fine folks at U of IC medical center have already saved her a few times.
The extended family has been a bit hesitant to get their feet moving (*cough cough* Uncle W and cousin D). I am just hoping that she can get to see them again and say whatever wants to say to them. That's probably the thing that's on my mind the most now. There is more but I'll have to write about that later.

Good morning 2012

Writing? Maybe not so much. I feel like doing. Some crackpot hit my car yesterday evening too. So i had to silicon a side mirror on today. Now, my car wasnt worth that much before and this isnt helping.

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Opening Salvo 2012

It's been a rather quiet week for me and very much up-and-down. Even though I'm not doing that much, it seems I am busier than ever. Just trying to catch up on things that weren't really happening in December 2011. To be honest, it was quite depressing the way things were ending. My aunt was in the hospital after suffering a stroke (not good) and I went up to see her. She gets out of the hospital this week (Friday 1/13) and into a nursing home. She's still paralyzed but much better than she was.
Then there's my job. Wow, where do I begin about that?! Ha ha. I knew that the drive was going to be an issue and wow, is it ever. An hour one-way is still an hour one-way. I drive almost 3,000 miles a month now. I was looking for a new car before and I'm just hoping it can make it a few more months. That's not to say there aren't perks. My coworkers are very down-to-earth and I get the occasional free lunch. Who would have thought a mighty fine falafel was in Belleville, IL? However, I don't think we're all on the same page. When you are a small place, everyone needs to work together-and that doesn't happen as much as I'd like, or needs too. As, I haven't lied to a client in over 15 years and I sure as heck am not about to start now. That's a slippery slope that you can never win once you've started it.
In other news, Chinese New Year (year of the dragon) is on my birthday. Talk about a weird coincidence. I used to know the lunar calendar/formula to calculate the day but forgot it. It's weird because when I was born, the new year was a week afterwards. So, I really don't have a clear-cut sign. I will say, it's been lucky for me. And I did buy a powerball ticket. Now is not the time to leave a stone un-turned...baby needs more than a new pair of shoes.

2012. The beginning of the end.

Good evening all. Well, I hope you made it to 2012 alright without too many bruises and bumps. I must admit, 2011 wasn't all that kind to me so I am ready to start a new year. My lack of a current calendar not withstanding. No, I'm not going to rattle off a bunch of resolutions. As those tend to be forgotten and any real meaningful change is going to be difficult and take more than just a few days. That being said, I am looking forward to it. Not to mention, Chinese new year is on my birthday this year (the 23rd, for those that didn't know)! Kind of exciting and also kind of weird. Chinese new year rotates on the lunar cycle. I used to know the exact formula but it's not all that random and not every day can become a chinese new year's day. Not to make anyone jealous. :oD